I read your comment and im basically like you. belittled me, neglected me, and put obstacles in my path. I don’t want to sit on my couch in the middle of the night looking at my child and wondering what I did to have a child who sees no point in sleeping, who at 8 still can’t say ‘mama’ and who still thinks the world revolves around his needs only. Hi i'm 35. my husband totally devestated me my saying he didn't love me anymore . Patmx3@aol. If you had a very controlling mother or father when you were young, it is likely that you felt out of control. I searched google for "child who cannot care for themselves" and came across your article. In fact, they are more likely to project their negative feelings onto others, and there is no better dumping ground for our negative perceptions of ourselves than our children. Your comments about your son are awful - I would like to report you to social services for an evaluation - you are a risk to him. 5. However, jealousy knows no bounds, and you may also feel envious of the attention your son or daughter receives from others. I have apologized to my now adult children. If so, they will tend to be misattuned to their children, especially when their children approach periods in their lives that were traumatic for the parent. I have apologized to God. Favorite Answer. How do I tell the father of my child that I don't love him? Not all of these apply to me but a couple of them do. Will we move through the world CONstructively rather than DEstructively? Now he is an excellent father could'nt ask for better father for my son but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. The article blames parents for things done subconsciencly, yet does that very thing to parents reading article! Neither parent is stigmatized nor are they judged as 'good' or 'bad' -- learning not to be judgmental really is a challenge, especially when it comes to judging yourself. 1 1. Really?? Sadly many people feel anything they do is just great because they think it was just great. Don't think I can carry on for long with health issues which I'm pretty sure was brought by demands which were placed on me every minute of early age. I love him more than words could ever convey but I don’t want to be an autism mum anymore. The point is that no one makes comparisons between parents in this setting. Being the parent of a child diagnosed with ADHD, autism and psychosis--let's add in oppositional defiant disorder--you're forgetting that, yes, some kids are really difficult, maybe impossible to love. If you find yourself an uninvolved parent who is unable to positively support, value and validate your child, you should seek professional help immediately. Only then can you find your way back to a healthy and happy relationship with your baby. I have no desire for money status and I believe don't even think i will achieve them even if I desire. I told my wife no. What Do I Do With My Loved One’s Belongings? Having children reminds parents that time is passing and tends to increase their death anxiety. If you seriously can't cope with your kids anymore give them to their father or find a safe loving place for them to be. Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC, What Dogs Can Teach You about Your Own Personality, No, Dark Personalities Aren't Always "Master Strategists", Find a therapist to strengthen relationships, Reasons parents parents fail to love their children, overprotective to the point of destructive, 8 Reasons Parents Fail to Love Their Kids The issues past, prese, Your poor son having a father who says such things, Reply to Polite, but a failure in everything, Quote Polite, but a failure in everything, 8 reasons parents fail love their kids..RIGHT on spot, How to Manage Envy and Jealousy in Your Relationships, How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Parenting, Invisible Wounds of the Sensitive, Emotionally Intense Child, How Anxious Attachment Style Affects Relationships. Of course not.... you just want to judge people instead of helping them make a change. NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. In my experience working with parents over the years, I have found this is often the case if you married because you were pregnant and your pregnancy altered the future of your goals and aspirations. Try to feel some compassion for yourself for your own loss. Conversely, it would be a distortion to define as “loving” those responses that are in any way detrimental to the child’s psychological growth, cause painful wounds to the child’s psyche, or predispose a lifetime of maladaptation and pain. If you were demeaned and dismissed in your family of origin, you may suffer from low self-esteem. It's the only thing keeping me here, is that I don't wanna cast that kind of inescapable shadow over anyone's life. Answer Save. We all have strengths and weaknesses and issues to work through but there's no need to over complicate something this simple. A good counselor will help define your family's characteristics as well as the triggers for stress, anxiety and support. Huh? These poor kids never had a chance. It … Forget these people that say your crazy! Any advice to people who are messed up and genuinely want to raise their kid in a healthy way? If they cannot love themselves or have developed a negative conception of themselves and their bodies, and extend this shame and negativity to their productions, they cannot pass on love and tenderness to this remarkable creation of theirs. It is here that you can become competitive for your mate's attention towards your son or daughter. Insight is the tool that gives us choices, among them will we treat self/others with compassion? You would certainly feel empathic toward a close friend if they were in your situation. The article does not consider that children can be pretty resilient to emotional damage. Many people find it difficult or intolerable to accept love—in particular, the simple direct loving expressions of children. As a result, they were able to develop more compassion for their past, and for their present-day limitations. It's a reason to keep trying even when trying just means somehow surviving another calendar day. Thinking you love your children is not love. Many people find it difficult or intolerable to accept love—in particular, the simple direct loving … Relevance. We had 3 more children. Very often this myth has an adverse effect, though, in that it leads to a failure to challenge negative behaviors within family life. Thankfully, if this is your problem, it can be solved. I am a failure. If you look closely, you may realize that disliking your child is more about you than them—because it has to do with your reaction to their behavior. Human Behavior, Parenting, and Education Expert, Speaker, Author. I am having lot of health issues because of abnormal stress levels since I know.Now I'm living on edge and almost contemplating suicide non stop. I hope things are getting better. Part of HuffPost Parenting. My colleagues have taught Compassionate Child Rearing Parent Education classes to parents of disabled (differently abled) children and have heard many of their stories, which are similar to yours. It hurts when my child says she doesn’t love me. did a "survey" (of whom, over what sample and data sets at what time intervals )has determined that psychologists are all unstable. Any parent, or any person for that matter, needs their loving feelings reciprocated in some way, with an occasional smile or hug, or those feelings eventually fade. 1 decade ago. She takes that attitude with pretty much everything I do. Based on my years of experience working with an E.D. I would actually prefer it if they turned around and be brutally honest about what they feel but they won't because that involves risk and a lack of control. The first time I said it out loud, I was alone in the bathroom at home. It … Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed. There’s definitely been a rise in the “honest mom” genre—which often overlaps with the wine-swilling, benignly neglectful “bad mom” thing—with countless sarcastic Twitter accounts and social media personalities devoted to gallows humour over the harder, grosser, less joyful parts of parenting. I cannot undo anything that has already been done but I am here for my children as long as I draw breath. Why don't I love my children anymore. The eldest son was finally kicked out, by dad, and ended up with moms' mom! I was very smothering at times and other times resentful. thank you dr firestone. jm. Even if life has fucked up your ability to believe in that, it's still true. Had I known, or had I known my own diagnosis, I may not have had children. We've seperated and have been trying to make it work but the feelings have all gone for me. The depression is unbareable. I mean a mom, or dad who didnt even allow their children to get drivers licenses, and at 25 yrs. Any comparison is really an attack by the critical inner voice. There are eight reasons why it’s often difficult for parents to love their children. I read about other parents who don’t want to parent anymore and then I don’t feel so bad or alone. Whenever I would tuck that little one into bed and kiss those soft baby cheeks, my child would stare at the ceiling, ignoring my affection. (This person believes they are at best loosely related.). Now George plays his: "I don't give a fuck that Auntie died." Parents’ good intentions are not a substitute for nurturing love, which can only be provided by a psychologically healthy and independent adult. It doesn't make you a bad person it makes you and honest person. Instead of acting defensively, if a parent with poor parenting skills hears the constructive criticism, and corrects it, they will no longer need to feel shame. I think its totally selfish to do this especially as your child may be to young to know whats happening but when he gets older he will resent you for it. For example, if you are religious and your child is a non-believer; or if you are a Democrat and your child is a Republican, your child no longer serves that necessary function. Now George plays his: "I don't give a fuck that Auntie died." Each child is genetically different and has a unique agenda and personal destiny. Your responsible is not credible. If you did, that wonderful most pleasurable thing on earth, sex, you knew it could result in being a parent and, generally, you need to look into both of your gene pools, everyone, before having sex, because this woman has explained one of the reasons I was smart enough to never have children. I would kill for a family environment, a husband, someone to love my son and I so that I don't feel dead inside anymore, I would love to feel like I loved my son and not feel like he would be better off without me, I am writing this with tears running down my face. Knowing in my heart that I feel nothing for him only makes the stress worse. Lots of creativity, musicality and athleticism. Stop guilt-tripping parents. Even in this moment of complete vulnerability and perhaps guilt, you ask yourself "why?" I’d say, “I love you, Sweetie,” and hear nothing in response. And as she got older and saw how much of an impact her leaving had on us, she started to feel very guilty. Rather, you fear them—and that's a red flag you're in an abusive relationship. I don't feel any pride when they do something like get good grades or overcome an obstacle. This does not help parenting, but as this article points out, increases parental issues. They may grow to be resilient but will still have unconscious processes playing out in their own adult relationships. Dear Deb, Faced with the emotional pain that it causes them, parents will unconsciously distance themselves from their child. Looking Back in Order to Move Forward. Guess we all have our sins. I start my second round of therapy next week, and finally started anti-depressants today. 11 Answers. Families aren’t getting breaks from each other (and for some, that can be very frustrating). I don't feel this way about other people. I shall keep this author in mind. Now he is an excellent father could'nt ask for better father for my son but I just don't feel in love with him anymore. Parents have unresolved trauma in their own lives. So be kind to yourself the same way you would be kind to your friend. Looking back and hashing everything out, in my mind, I realize that all 8 factors affected me and my siblings. The above article is certainly thought provoking and worthy. We are a single-child family, so naturally our offspring looks to us – his parents – when he wants someone to play with. I'll be 60 in October and have suffered all my life from depression and anxiety, and I know it was from bad parenting. "They" (who?) This article is not to induce more shame, as that is the core issue if you are experiencing difficulty. When discussing a popular amorphous word, such as "love," it would do great service for each side of the discussion to first make a clear and acceptable definition of the term. Many parents have a negative self-image which they unwittingly extend to their children. 4. This is a great article. While growing up, I wasn’t really close to my parents, dad especially. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, Raise the kind of person you'd like to know. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore. In this person's opinion, the article seems more about care-, affection- and attention-giving, which most will agree are at least part-manifestations of love, and less about love's full and pure manifestation itself. One thing I have learned to do (repeatedly), is to understand that they are a product of their own parenting, knowledge, skills, and awareness. You hit the nail on the head, I totally agree. By withdrawing from you, she doesn't have to see the direct result of her actions on your life and well-being. What that told me was she didn't care about me an certainly didn't love me anymore. Love is an action, a way of doing. It serves no constructive purpose for parents to conceal their inadequacies from a child. Love is love is love. With a lessening of this pressure and the subsequent relaxation for both parent and child, they may even regain genuine loving feelings and regard for one another. But what parents feel internally must have an external component in actions that are loving in order to have a positive effect on their children. In Compassionate Child-Rearing, I described many parents who came to understand and feel for what had happened to them as children. They did a survey, and found psychologists to be the most maladjusted group in society! I like to find out if parents fit into these 8 reasons described in the article ( 8 Reasons Parents Fail to Love Their Kids) what parents can do ?? If this is your situation, then you may feel that the responsibility of raising a child is too much for you to bear. There might be a lot less screwed up adults. If you are psychologically unavailable, unresponsive, or demanding your child will be not only neglected, but rejected. Now I know. One way you may attempt to self-manage the guilty feelings that accompany your inability to love your child is to become that overprotective parent. Sounds pretty defensive and angry to me. What to do when your child says you don’t love them. He was the main breadwinner and worked all hours. while that parent is belittling them, neglecting them, and putting obstacles in their path knows that everything in this article is true. As a result, if your child gets too much attention from others, including family members, you may dominate your child in an effort to squash your child's self-esteem. Whoever even tries to do me good,I walk away from them.I didn't know clearly why. To summarize: Almost all parents feel that they love their children. Moreover, there are often confusions over it. I couldn’t wait to finish college and get a job in another city. By catching a glimpse of your childhood patterns, you can uncover and recover your psychological resource, which will enable you to integrate your own childhood wounds. That was like daggers shooting through my heart and makes me feel even more worthless than I already did. I love my spouse very much, I love my siblings and parents, and I love my nieces and nephews. They may become unruly, defiant, disobedient, obnoxious, demanding, hostile or generally unpleasant. I recently had an interaction with my mother where I shared what I was going through (reliving my past tramua and every negative core belief I had ever been taught) and told her I often wondered why she didn't abort me and that I felt the family would be better off if I were dead. Please consider listening to the Louise Hay audiobooks You Can Heal Your Life, and The Power Is Within You (you can find them for free on yt, along with a lot of useful vids from Jerry Wise, also free). Do You or Your Partner Have an Avoidant Attachment Pattern. I have read your book on death anxiety and found it wonderful and informative. If we want to create a more harmonious society, we need to be aware of how we bring up our children, and the mistakes we inevitably make. I mean this sincerely. Indeed, it would be better for all concerned if the illusion of unconditional parental love were withdrawn from the child‑rearing scene. Had atypical childhood teenage everything. NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. When parents with teens in crisis get overwhelmed with no hope, they start a process within them to protect their heart. As usual, making it all about what she feels instead of keeping a broader view, but not malicious-she hated the fact that she is why I'm like this, heading into my third hospitalization and subsequent long term structured residence for the not-really-ok-but-trying crowd, and I suspect your mom might be reacting in a similar way. I had my own past issues, obviously- projecting them on my kids. Im still seeking some sort of answers and resolutions for this. Well, I guess it is weakness -- I wasn't strong enough to stand up to her when I should have. Neither reaction is appropriate to, or constructive for, the child. ... Im sure you love your daughter otherwise you wouldn't go on here looking for help. This article is to help create awareness. Even though they have been a primary cause of these behaviors, parents find it difficult to love or even like a child who exhibits these attributes. People love to talk about how resilient kids are. I do have a heart that longs to be loved but I can't allow it. if someone mature age and lots of package from his/her own childhood to love their own children or resenting their own children) seeing therapist expensive process so what can be alternative ??? They can't love and they seek to destroy their children once they show independence. You and I still have time to correct some of the damage. My son’s father and I have high IQs as do my son’s grandparents—especially the bipolar one who was a bonafide genius. JVC, But it’s all so couched in good-natured hilarity that, for those of us who find ourselves legitimately tearing up—angry, barricaded in the bathr… He's not you: he's an entirely different person and who knows why he is able to hold on to his love and concern. I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I … Please start realizing that if you done this much, you can do more -- you can create meaningful relationships, pursue activities that fulfill you, contribute to your community in various way, and much more. I read your comment and im basically like you. Parents’ unfulfilled primitive hunger for love and care from their childhood causes them, in turn, to focus these strong desires on their children. We were raised by strict, overprotective Indian parents. Hello, I only want to touch on something that was not talked about; and that is the parent who "needs to be needed". There was a lot of good that COULD have happened but didn’t. But I do wanna open up the possibility that your mom doesn't agree that everyone would be better off if you didn't exist. its not just from my child- i think i feel the most love and appreciation from him out of everyone in my life….my husband mom inlaws—–its sad how they just dont … Im still seeking some sort of answers and resolutions for this. ✨. It sounds like you have had a very tough upbringing. I think you need more support, a bit more free time so you don’t feel so trapped/ suffocated. Nowadays, she sees all the failures I've had, largely as a result of me constantly doing these things she wanted me to do but that I had no interest in or talent for, as a sign of weakness. You've been taught that all mothers love their children, would make any sacrifice for their child, and yet for some reason, you can't love yours. It’s true: They did the best that they were capable of, but more often than not, they simply weren't able to really see their child as a separate person and meet his or her needs. 3. Brings up some of the Inconvenient Truths of parents. Parental love includes genuine expressions of warmth—a smile or friendly look that conveys empathy and good humor; physical affection; respectful, considerate treatment; tenderness; a willingness to be a real person with the child as opposed to acting the role of “mother” or “father"; and a sensitive attunement and responsiveness to the child. Many times, the child who grows up to be this parent experienced abuse as a child. Does it really matter if the parent is parenting poorly subconsciously? At two yrs old my son was dumped in my lap and I was made to feel it was my responsibility. or need to do change the situation/themselves to become good enough family ?? 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