All I can say is that my own upbringing drove me to help her but Im quite sure my late father would be horrified by the entire situation and beating my tail for not staying away. my parents i would help yes. If you want to be taken care of in old age, use that so called old fashioned respect your generation boast about as an excuse for your self righteous come action of the younger generation. The second son went jail for unpaid speeding tickets. Which brings us back to your sister. And yet they try to make us (their offspring, pay for their mistakes both emotionally and financially). Shes always been irresponsible with money. Yes, I became momentarily teary but just needed an ear and a boost. Hes continually had to help make the payments. We are aggressively opposed to that idea because my mother is perfectly capable of earning and saving but chooses not to. They may not be as taxing as you imagine, and the repayment terms may be within your budget. This would cover her portion of the utilities and the rent could go into a general savings account. She has a monthly pension from my dad (her first husband) and the Social Security from her 2nd husband that covers the expense of the facility. Am I nuts or cruel for thinking this is outrageous?! I dont earn massive amount of money. Your significant other, on the other hand, likes to play fast and loose with finances: They buy what they want, when they want, often throwing an expensive wrench into your carefully laid plans. My questionable / problem is that she spend more than R11000-00 ($1250-00) p/m on her semi retired parents. Just found out, my mom is still spending and increasing her credit card debt. Help them with running errands and shopping. Do not give them the money for treatment directly. That works assuming youre not hurting your own retirement plans or taking away money from your kids college or inheritance(or worse going into debt) which also affects your grandkids financial futures as well. I learned I had it in me to give my all to another person when my husband had head/neck cancer and died here at home, after I nursed him for a year, which I was totally freaked about doing. Those are things youll notice as you grow close. Retrieved from, Barroso, A. Parker, K. Fry, R. (2019, October 23) Majority of Americans Say Parents Are Doing Too Much for Their Adult Children. I was 20 at the time and now I realize I should have never let them use my credit. Try to approach the conversation without pointing fingers. He has always worked hard all his life. Thankfully their time is coming to an end. What do you do when your brother or your niece knock on your door, asking for a loan or some other help? I love my father, I just want him to be able to enjoy his last days , but he is headstrong and stubborn. The original intent was to require family to provide basic food and shelter to their elderly. I am so STOKED to finally be out from under this. They are completely irresponsible in general, but particularly with finances. Heres Why. Ive found that the first time I say no is very hard, but once I say it, they may no longer expect as many yeses. Tell your grandparents that theyd be hurting their grandkids if they do what theyre threatening to do. Dont be afraid to walk away from a negative situation. We went on expensive family holidays, my parents always paid for everyone whenever there was an occasion that we were eating at a restaurant etc., they entertained a lot. Your message made me laugh so hard! I want to hang on to my retirement money so that MY CHILDREN arent in this position and I am glad that most of you agreed with me. My parents moved in with me and instantly became a financial drain. Short answer: I will make them work for it. He will receive the respect I owe him in my manners as his daughter. Umm, yeah. I havent been able to have fun in a long time. At this point, its hard to have respect for them at all and I fear their family is plagued with this terrible cycle. And if all else fails remind them that then church, or whatever their religion iss home base,is also their family and maybe they can help out if they need it. I also have that twist, my father still contributes a large percent of his income to my adult siblings. Now get a life and stop behaving like a spoiled, entitled brat and find some compassion and forgiveness, even toward the mother that abandoned you. I did not say DONT help you parents I said try to balance things in life a little. Your an adult, grow up and take responsibility. I was a single mom for years and had to do without things to catch up on my retirement. If I was held accountable for his basic needs as an old a-hole I would sue the state for allowing him to have me in the first place. However, i would not leave them homeless. They also did not divorce, sell the family home and take off to parts unknown. Its likely that they feel overwhelmed, insecure, and anxious, so tread lightly and avoid outright criticism. You have people who will ask to borrow money and never repay it. The social cueing/brainwashing that levies a ridiculous guilt trip based on morality, no less- and imagines that ALL elderly individuals were once nurturing, responsible, caring parents/role models needs to be discussed honestly and frankly. My fathers mobile home, bought only a few years back for $45K was sold by him for $12K because he would no longer live there because his girlfriend was not allowed. They can leverage family, romantic, social, and even professional areas of your life to subtly (and not-so-subtly) push you toward poor money behavior. If you cant give her the boot for yourself, do for your children. Im in business with my father. Why should I have to pick up the pieces? The resolution next moves to the Democratic-majority Senate. They have always pinched pennies, and scrimped and saved, and never splurged on themselves. Its not the law in Australia. Ive also signed up for Ilyces informative newsletters. Moving on, the real point is, do we owe family members financial support who are broke for whatever reason? Thats how I found this post. This is why many are quite frustrated with older people. Living on oatmeal in an apartment in the ghetto, which was the best I could do after her absentee parenting, was much too impoverished for her. Are *you* willing to subsidize his mother and siblings at the cost of your own retirement? Please think rationally before you comment that you would definitley help your parents, thats nice but see how you feel when ypu have to live like i do and lend hundreds and thousands to a couple who just dont care. So good for them if they can afford it. The truth Hurts, doesnt it Cherilyn!! Goodie for you Tim. The difference being, this is wasnt a hardship situation she COULD have worked the whole time!! To put it bluntly my father left my mother there for a week while he stayed out in hotels and finally got his own apartment then came back to tell me from day 1 he could feel the evil in my house and he would never speak to me or my family again. Well, rage doesnt quite capture my thoughts. When No One in the Family Wants to Pay Property Taxes, What Can You Do? They would get food & shelter and the least they could do in return is to provide free baby sitting and house cleaning services in exchange. They may not be able to work if they fear losing disability but thats up to them. When my grandparents were older, they lived more modestly, knowing that they would have to pay for things without any earnings from work for possibly a long time. my mother in law, no. Were saving for our future to not burden them. My mother chose not to work for the better part of the past 20yrs. My father is the owner/operator of his truck and my mom never worked. By using our site, you agree to our. But, again, I say, change your focus! If you need help going to interviews, I can watch the kids or give you a ride.. In this case I was the frog in the pot of water, unable to identify the situation I was in until it was too late looking back its obvious, but at the time? unnecessary, avoidable drama. ! and starts to cry. Ironically you can keep a house if you declare bankruptcy since you need a place to live, but it doesnt make sense to have more than 1000 square ft for 2 people in my opinion, you just pay more in utilities and management. Invested and held in stocks it might generate $1,200 a month. T.H.U.M.P. - 5 Ways to Deal with Irresponsible People - Lifehack My fiancee has had a labor law advising business for sometime now and I joined her to career change as well as get to know the trade to better our income. You can rebuild the relationship to a healthier level with boundaries once she is out of your house. U talking about hurt, let me tell u, 3 ppl Ive fought so hard 4, is now the 3 ppl I have 2 fight with the most! Ever since I started working full-time, Ive been sending my parents money every month, but they felt that it was not enough and that I should be giving them a bigger percentage of my income. Live your life. My dad says NOTHING to her, he always states that hes willing to do anything to make her happy (sweet gesture, but wake up buddy! When her mother died she finally decided to get sober. There is no correct answer to what do I owe my aging parents. I have bills to pay and try to start saving. This dirt little secret doesnt account for most of the homeless population. Despite having a little bit of sympathy for the immediate situation, I cant help thinking that the small loan would be nothing but a band aid to the gaping wound that is their overwhelming financial situation. You had a child and raised it, thats a responsibility you willingly entered into. Theyre so proud that they blow their money on stuff to make them look like theyre something special. I got a good job, she retired early, had a stroke, then my father got cancer & died. We graduated with many years of debt, but overtime everything worked out fine. My brother has different approach, he will go to heaven and hell to get money for my dad when he askes so theres a comparison. She can only control you emotionally, and she uses money to do it. Thats because, in each and every case, financially irresponsible people can leverage aspects of your life beyond your finances to encourage you to make poor financial choices. I hope I can find my way out of this. May your horrible parents burn eternally. The biggest issue is that older people make excuses for their choices, and call the youth ungrateful for dealing with what was left behind. But when i was 17 i worked in a clothing store with a guy who had the same illness as my dad he told me he dint want money from the goverment he wants to make his own money. My girlfriend has a deadbeat dad in his 50s with nothing to his name. Dont engage in financial one-upmanship. As far as financially supporting parents, the law should not make it mandatory for children to do so on a general scale. So the answer to the question, for me, is no, I am not morally obligated to take care of her. After they blew it on crap and on bailing my brother out of debt, I dont think I will help them out again. If they needed help, I know it would be because they were absolutely desperate and tried everything within their power to avoid it. I guess to some extent there is a sense of moral responsibility that works. My mom is only 57 and living with us. You should have thought about that before you had kids. Investigate bank rates. Its not. One good solution is to set up a budget that allows each partner to have money that they can freely spend on personal things, gifts, hobbieswhatever he or she wishesbut said money has a monthly cap so that there can still be positive financial progress made. 1. And if we need help, why should pride stop us from asking? Your sister was laid off six months ago; her refrigerator just went out, and she has asked if you could float her a loan to buy a new one shell pay you back, with interest, as soon as she finds a new job. Stuff it nema. I hope you can find your path away from letting an extreme situation harden your heart to discovering what you were being taught about your own strength as a person and how loving requires, no demands, connectivity at the deepest level and that can test us. This is such a heartbreaking issue. Why its a problem: When it comes to relationships, attitudes about money can be deal-breakers (according to one study, money is a leading cause of stress in relationships). I am a stay at home mum and trying to look after two of my kids under 5. Your comment gives me pause. Then, to add insult to injury, he has spent 100% of the grandiose salary Ive been sending his way. In fact, that should be down the list of steps you take when confronted with a request for financial assistance. Communication is absolutely vital here. As a group of individuals who are taking over the leadership roles that our parents once held, we have to start problem solving this right now. Read Dave Ramsey or something similar if you need a plan. Unfortunately, Im in the latter group. If you are constantly dumping your feelings of shame, fear, or pain on them, they are unlikely to be supportive. My daughter will never take care of me in any way. They are the reason why this country is in the mess its in financially. This has to change. They are in so much debt, yet they bought an 800 motorbike yesterday then ask me for 35 today because my mum needs cigs. If theyre willing to get help theres hope for their circumstances to improve. I will have to take money away from saving for my kids education or my retirement to help them out. My dad told me last week they are upside down on their mortgage and have only $12,000 left in their retirement savings. I moved here from South Africa because I have to support my destitute parents. Realistically, Im not too sure she can actually afford to live there on her new wage (which may last some time as shes new to the country) and its a pretty miserable apartment as it is, there isnt really anything cheaper she could step down to. Thats what its there for! I was concerned for her health and knew I would have to take care of her one day, but sometimes I think I should have let her just have happen to her whatever would have happened. Recently she had to be placed in a nursing home and will never leave due to her inactivity while she was home and living off of the rest of us. You need to make sure that you dont compromise your own retirement by forking money that is not well received anyway. What do you do? I have to say no I would not. Bottom line were not MILs retirement account. God bless you. I was knocked off my feet. Baby boomers are going to demand retirement (ignorantly or not) If you're uncomfortable or unwilling to give your family member cash, consider giving non-cash financial assistance, such as gift cards or gift certificates. All your bills will increase. She pays thei whole house for the full year and her moms medical insurance and monthly groceries which amounts to the above amount mentioned. She is my grandparents who say she is too much to handle. A nonprofit. At least it was unbearable to watch her in self-destruct mode. What is ridiculous about that? It is a parents job to take care of their children, not abort them, put them up for adoption or abandon them. Now my brother is in a lot of debt and has poor health due to stress and hard work as he hasnt been on a break for the past 5-6 years. Our combined paychecks from 3 seperate jobs have barely made enough to scratch by in the luxury apartments that we live in. Should You Hire a Family Member to be Your Listing Agent? The only difference between my generation and yours is that yours raised ours and anything that you dont like is a direct reflection of your generationss actions and inactions. In fact, the most damaging manifestations of . One of my goals for 2020 is to launch a podcast where listeners can ask questions the way they used to call into the show. This readers sisters house has a lien on it and her credit cards are maxed out, again. I know I messed up and am thankful for the help. I had to point it out to her that dad needs to retire. You cannot keep a residence just by filing bankruptcy. Here are some things that have happened over the years: -Getting several months behind on rent and the landlord calling us to make sure everything is ok -Getting evicted -Unable to open credit cards -Using shady car dealers and loans -Has had to stay with us between eviction and . If you dont feel you can afford a gift, dont give the money. Wow, that sounds like my mom. I am praying for guidance because she is addicted to spendingit is one of the ways she copes with depression and abysmal self-esteem. Key terms to know. I feel depressed because I also live at home, there is no way I could live elsewhere, pay rent and give all that money. My parents were up sh*ts creek financially the past few years and I had a hard time with wanting to help but also still needing to build up my own nest egg. The two main defenses against filial law are your financial circumstances and if there is evidence of parental neglect, abuse, or abandonment. 2. Why people cant just work, freaking work every day like the rest of us, and take care of themselves? That NEVER happened. Ive heard these stories many times over. I agree with the previous response that this is nothing more than an unhealthy codependent relationship. It propelled me to move far away from a metro market into the country. I think that planning for the future is your own problem and not your kids problem. My mom stopped working to stay home long time ago and is clueless. My grandmother bought him a mobile home (paid for) and all he had to do was pay utilities and the almost $300.00/per mo. Here are 8 strategies for dealing with manipulative people. However, she has been extremely financially negligent, saved nothing and all she does is go on the computer and spend money. I truly hope that you have never offended someone in your real life as much as you offended me with that comment, and if you have you should probably worry more about your selfish soul than everyone else. And any mention of this, was compelte betrayal.Of course things didnt work out as they hoped and now my dad is sick with Lewey Body and my mom is taking care of him. So my situation, Im 21 and have been watching my parents squander all of their resources for years. Even though my fathers parents were super responsible and never took a penny from any of their children, my father thought nothing of quitting a perfectly good job and retiring in his 50s (although he has been perfectly capable of working). She now lives off of a relatively small amount of social security, waning support from the ex-boyfriend, and occasional cash infusions from sales of her jewelry and help from my sister and me.
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